I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
