Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
