I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
