Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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