I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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