I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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