I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
