you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
