Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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