I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
