he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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