I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
