I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
