I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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