textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
