He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
