swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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