At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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