he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
