This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
