we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
