the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
