I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
is wine microwaveable?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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