Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
