i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
