i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
honey bunches of taint.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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