At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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