Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
