well you can't waste a boner
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
