i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
