Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
