Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
