I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
