I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
