Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
