i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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