Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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