I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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