Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
