i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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