how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
