There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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