I wish you could order shots online.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
