Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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