i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
