I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
