I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
