If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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