Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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