grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
