I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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