Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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