I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize