I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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