Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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