Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
