he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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