Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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